Editor’s note: The following story is true. It was sent to me by a reader who thought it would be cathartic to share her experience here. She wants to help people going through something similar feel less alone. Later this week, I’ll share a longer response piece. I’d also like to post a warning: this piece is gut-wrenching and much heavier than our usual fare.
I think your observations are correct, as far as our inexperienced sexualized imaginations twisting under the weight of hypersexual manic curiosity and want. As we move forward in our "progress" and children become even more sexualized in daycares, this will only become more of a problem - for society in general, vis a vis damaged children, who grow into woefully dysfunctional, perverted and/or abusive adults.
Please relay to her, that she did the right thing. I think on some level, her ability to detach (bravo for that coping mech showing up) allowed her to escape years of pain and mental anguish, no one should accept or deserves - due to another's very complex and ingrained issues. I've not read the comments sections, but for anyone who suggested something akin to "you should have stuck it out, helped, rescued him..." You are ignorantly delusional - and ignorant is used in the sense that you're ignorant of the experience and reality of this addiction - live it on the side of the non-addict and then pass judgement.
This would have a happened no matter who she was or what she did. She could have been rich or poor, a physical knockout or a dud, smart or stupid, young or old, attentive or cold - the list goes on. The point is, two fold: 1) His extreme and escalating addiction had nothing to do with her; 2) The poison in this man's mind and soul was sewn long before she arrived on scene.
There was nothing she could have done to undo the damage and decay, put there either by someone else or a decades long demoralized society. He bears all responsibility in his addiction and actions - but don't be naïve or obtuse to the world around you, that breeds these addicts and abusers like putrid pond water breeds parasites, bacteria and disease.
You rightly name this for what it is, an addiction - unfortunately on a global level. As anyone knows, who has dealt with ANY manner of addict or addiction, it does not stop, until they want it to. Rock bottom is usually the best motivator and arguably has the best track record, for successful recoveries.
People wonder why I rant about the grooming going on, in K-5 specifically. This is it and worse - when generations of these groomed kids become adults who see nothing wrong with overt incest, pedophilia, rape, and even murder the capture will be complete. At least we currently view what we are seeing in the streets (rapes, murders, sexual assaults) as unacceptable. Wait 10 or 20 more years and that may well change.
Best of luck to A. and well done Katherine for tackling this and other issues. I need to read through your stack.
I’m so turned off by immigrants that insult America. Why come here? Why stay here? It’s not like a hundred years ago, get back on a plane. This woman seems to have issues of her own to work out. Marriage takes two.
How sorrowful this is because I believe you missed the point about her husband being a pedophile. Nothing about what this poor woman went through with her husband had anything to do with the ideology that is the "American Dream", or American culture what so ever, or at least what a lot of well rounded, non-American individuals are sold on in terms of American culture and economics. Simply, this poor woman went through what I think a lot of AMERICAN-born woman go through with the male gender, the infatuation and sexualization of young woman and children at the hands of the male gender. You ask, "why come here", this woman's intentions were that of probably your ancestors, (if you are American born), hundreds of years ago- to make a life for herself!! She found herself in a horrible situation with a horrible man!! She belongs here in America if that is what she desires, more than some of the shit heads we allow to declare themselves citizens of America, she brought a horrible man to justice. I would like to believe, as an female in America, that this is the most "U.S.A" it can get, or at least the projection of the all encompassing U.S.A there is. Justice was served she did the right thing and was well within her rights to do so. I call that American justice. Marriage takes two?? How could you fathom saying something like this, supporting the opposition in this story suggest that you also support pedophilia. Touch grass and learn grace for gods sake. Act like you don't know that is country is BUILT on immigrants as immigrant labor makes up and is the baine of our entire American economy. Wow how disgusting your comment is.
Not sure what is “disgusting” about my comment. What is disgusting is you calling Americans “shit heads”. Bleeding heart hater- “poor foreigner 🥺 but the citizens of this country horrible shit heads! just like all men.” lol Please- keep trolling
How idiotic. I didn’t call ALL Americans shit heads just SOME, and by some I am referring to the pedophilic type of people who reside in America. If you maybe actually read what I said you wouldn’t have missed that. You have zero understanding of American history obviously. THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT THIS COUNTRY QUITE LITERALLY WERE FROM BRITAIN- ANOTHER COUNTRY, thus making them immigrants. The only American people in this country are the Native American Indians who we beat and scoured into small reserves in various parts of the country, lacerating them from most of American society. So no, what is gross is your support of pedophilia and xenophobia. How could you be so cruel?? This poor woman who wanted nothing but to build a happy and safe life for herself in America- THE LEGAL AND PROPER WAY might I add, then ignorant people like you come on here and talk nonsense.
RACHAEL, did you read the story. She needed proper documents before she could divorce the man. As soon as she completed that process, she served him papers.
lol as soon as I get my papers “ I’ll leave that kid toucher”. Stop with the passive aggressive bs: “did you read?l” Yes I did. DID YOU?! Stop moving the goal posts and definitions. I am not an immigrant, my mom and dad were not immigrants. Most Americans are and were not immigrants. According to your propaganda Indians too are immigrants from Asia and Russia lands making the crossing over the “Bering Straight”. lol your propaganda was a marketing campaign, a push to raise money to finish the Statue of Liberty and bring it over from France. I don’t approve of the way the author dehumanizes Americans as like we are lab rats being studied. She has no right to be here and no one is stopping her from going home, which she should have, if she was truly in an abusive relationship.
If you are born in America you are not an immigrant. It’s a fact.
Stop with the idiocy and lies. This is my problem with the author-
As an immigrant, I found America’s ever-squabbling population fascinating. They can be annoyingly ignorant about the other parts of the world, but they are almost never boring to observe. And here they were. You can catch a glimpse of their lives on Reddit.
It’s deeply offensive and you are insulting. Move on. I have a right to my opinion.
Everybody is either an immigrant of this country or descended from a long lineage of such individuals. You have the right to your opinion yes isn’t that the beautiful thing about America:) but I have the right to say what I want about your opinion and it’s frankly wrong, ignorant, and gross. Immigrants are the back bone of this country. Stop your foolishness
This giant prose poem sounds like a fantasy concocted to dunk on white men. I’m sure shit like this happens (to include the green card farming) but it’s the plausibility that is being marketed.
It's too perfect. He matches every single stereotype of the creepy incel. Nothing is out of place. I'll admit I'm predisposed to be skeptical of anonymous biographical anecdotes, but I honestly don't see how anyone could read this and not have alarm bells go off. If it's real, life in Korea must be darker than I thought. It's hard to imagine anyone from a developed country would put up with this for a year plus in order to move to the States.
Sounds like this fellow was an ends-of-the-earth attention-getter. That, by the way, would include the green card marriage, which could also garner attention, including attention from the federal authorities.
While the green card husband's descent into ever more stunning forms of sexual specialties -- some strictly verboten, and rightly so -- it is difficult for me in this case, as in so many others, to understand how blindly people enter into marriage. Even marriage in service of citizenship should have some limits.
It does appear that as the issuance of the green card grew ever more near, the disclosures of behaviors escalated. Almost as if green card husband wanted to see if he could drive his spouse away before the card issued, forcing her to begin the citizenship process again, as punishment. One never knows.
I fail to see how she didn't see the problems in this relationship earlier. These sorts of behavioral tendencies do not come out of nowhere, and as such I would ask if maybe she went into this expecting some level of dysfunction, but planned to leave as soon as she had her green card secured. The whole thing sounds like an exercise to extract a green card from this man. I don't blame her for leaving, but I question how she got there in the first place if not for the green card. Most women can spot these types from miles away.
"I fail to see how she didn't see the problems in this relationship earlier. These sorts of behavioral tendencies do not come out of nowhere, "
Do you also fail to see how the woman "didn't see the problems" when the woman is beaten up, or abused, or murdered by their husband, or he starts serially cheating, and so on?
She says he wasn't like that before, they had friends and went out, and he obviously was in "charm her" mode before marriage. DUH!
initially yeah, but the autistic weeb ended up being a really messed up autistic weeb. It's not good to take advantage of these people, but the truth is he was never getting married otherwise, even temporarily.
As I read the story I'm struck by how the letter writer focusses on her husband's behavior, but says little about her own intentions and motivations. Change yourself and accept others as they are. If you can't accept them, move on.
Here's a novel idea: we should only "accept others as they are" if how they are is not potentially criminal, abusive, antisocial, and harmful to themselves and others.
I asked her to provide some context. Admittedly, I was so struck by the writing style (in a good way) that I didn't think to ask her to provide more insight into her own emotions. Something about her natural style conveyed the paralysis and horror so strongly to me.
Yes, I see the fear. But we don't know whether she's afraid of losing her immigration status, abuse in a previous relationship, or childhood trauma, all of which have little to do with her husband.
She's struck -- to the point of being stunned, internally, not "freezing" in a trauma sense but more "I can't believe this could be possibly happening" by what's unfolding around her. See the references to the normality elsewhere. So I don't think she's scared of him per se, it's more that the life is kinda folding down on her as she experiences his showing his "true colours" (or maybe his unravelling?).
Thanks for posting this, I’ve had similar experiences dating in the geek scene. The anime community in particular has a problem of normalizing a lot of weird shit. Much of it is also just a symptom of being chronically online. It’s not healthy.
The reality is that masturbation and pornography use is even worse on a marriage than having an affair, and it unfortunately often comes part and parcel with being online.
Follow-up: https://default.blog/p/just-how-damaging-is-hentai
The sociopath writing this is only saved by the fact that she married a pedophilic tranny. You’re made for each other.
I wonder what race these two are. Sounds like the man got the stereotype for mixing. Deserved
This is incredible
Maybe it's not true.
Both pieces are very good.
I think your observations are correct, as far as our inexperienced sexualized imaginations twisting under the weight of hypersexual manic curiosity and want. As we move forward in our "progress" and children become even more sexualized in daycares, this will only become more of a problem - for society in general, vis a vis damaged children, who grow into woefully dysfunctional, perverted and/or abusive adults.
Please relay to her, that she did the right thing. I think on some level, her ability to detach (bravo for that coping mech showing up) allowed her to escape years of pain and mental anguish, no one should accept or deserves - due to another's very complex and ingrained issues. I've not read the comments sections, but for anyone who suggested something akin to "you should have stuck it out, helped, rescued him..." You are ignorantly delusional - and ignorant is used in the sense that you're ignorant of the experience and reality of this addiction - live it on the side of the non-addict and then pass judgement.
This would have a happened no matter who she was or what she did. She could have been rich or poor, a physical knockout or a dud, smart or stupid, young or old, attentive or cold - the list goes on. The point is, two fold: 1) His extreme and escalating addiction had nothing to do with her; 2) The poison in this man's mind and soul was sewn long before she arrived on scene.
There was nothing she could have done to undo the damage and decay, put there either by someone else or a decades long demoralized society. He bears all responsibility in his addiction and actions - but don't be naïve or obtuse to the world around you, that breeds these addicts and abusers like putrid pond water breeds parasites, bacteria and disease.
You rightly name this for what it is, an addiction - unfortunately on a global level. As anyone knows, who has dealt with ANY manner of addict or addiction, it does not stop, until they want it to. Rock bottom is usually the best motivator and arguably has the best track record, for successful recoveries.
People wonder why I rant about the grooming going on, in K-5 specifically. This is it and worse - when generations of these groomed kids become adults who see nothing wrong with overt incest, pedophilia, rape, and even murder the capture will be complete. At least we currently view what we are seeing in the streets (rapes, murders, sexual assaults) as unacceptable. Wait 10 or 20 more years and that may well change.
Best of luck to A. and well done Katherine for tackling this and other issues. I need to read through your stack.
CTD.
I’m so turned off by immigrants that insult America. Why come here? Why stay here? It’s not like a hundred years ago, get back on a plane. This woman seems to have issues of her own to work out. Marriage takes two.
HEY RACHAEL,
How sorrowful this is because I believe you missed the point about her husband being a pedophile. Nothing about what this poor woman went through with her husband had anything to do with the ideology that is the "American Dream", or American culture what so ever, or at least what a lot of well rounded, non-American individuals are sold on in terms of American culture and economics. Simply, this poor woman went through what I think a lot of AMERICAN-born woman go through with the male gender, the infatuation and sexualization of young woman and children at the hands of the male gender. You ask, "why come here", this woman's intentions were that of probably your ancestors, (if you are American born), hundreds of years ago- to make a life for herself!! She found herself in a horrible situation with a horrible man!! She belongs here in America if that is what she desires, more than some of the shit heads we allow to declare themselves citizens of America, she brought a horrible man to justice. I would like to believe, as an female in America, that this is the most "U.S.A" it can get, or at least the projection of the all encompassing U.S.A there is. Justice was served she did the right thing and was well within her rights to do so. I call that American justice. Marriage takes two?? How could you fathom saying something like this, supporting the opposition in this story suggest that you also support pedophilia. Touch grass and learn grace for gods sake. Act like you don't know that is country is BUILT on immigrants as immigrant labor makes up and is the baine of our entire American economy. Wow how disgusting your comment is.
PS immigrants didn’t build this country, Americans did. Immigrants helped yes, but I refuse your argument. It’s propaganda.
Not sure what is “disgusting” about my comment. What is disgusting is you calling Americans “shit heads”. Bleeding heart hater- “poor foreigner 🥺 but the citizens of this country horrible shit heads! just like all men.” lol Please- keep trolling
How idiotic. I didn’t call ALL Americans shit heads just SOME, and by some I am referring to the pedophilic type of people who reside in America. If you maybe actually read what I said you wouldn’t have missed that. You have zero understanding of American history obviously. THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT THIS COUNTRY QUITE LITERALLY WERE FROM BRITAIN- ANOTHER COUNTRY, thus making them immigrants. The only American people in this country are the Native American Indians who we beat and scoured into small reserves in various parts of the country, lacerating them from most of American society. So no, what is gross is your support of pedophilia and xenophobia. How could you be so cruel?? This poor woman who wanted nothing but to build a happy and safe life for herself in America- THE LEGAL AND PROPER WAY might I add, then ignorant people like you come on here and talk nonsense.
It’s not proper to stay married to a pedophile for selfish reasons.
RACHAEL, did you read the story. She needed proper documents before she could divorce the man. As soon as she completed that process, she served him papers.
lol as soon as I get my papers “ I’ll leave that kid toucher”. Stop with the passive aggressive bs: “did you read?l” Yes I did. DID YOU?! Stop moving the goal posts and definitions. I am not an immigrant, my mom and dad were not immigrants. Most Americans are and were not immigrants. According to your propaganda Indians too are immigrants from Asia and Russia lands making the crossing over the “Bering Straight”. lol your propaganda was a marketing campaign, a push to raise money to finish the Statue of Liberty and bring it over from France. I don’t approve of the way the author dehumanizes Americans as like we are lab rats being studied. She has no right to be here and no one is stopping her from going home, which she should have, if she was truly in an abusive relationship.
If you are born in America you are not an immigrant. It’s a fact.
Stop with the idiocy and lies. This is my problem with the author-
As an immigrant, I found America’s ever-squabbling population fascinating. They can be annoyingly ignorant about the other parts of the world, but they are almost never boring to observe. And here they were. You can catch a glimpse of their lives on Reddit.
It’s deeply offensive and you are insulting. Move on. I have a right to my opinion.
Everybody is either an immigrant of this country or descended from a long lineage of such individuals. You have the right to your opinion yes isn’t that the beautiful thing about America:) but I have the right to say what I want about your opinion and it’s frankly wrong, ignorant, and gross. Immigrants are the back bone of this country. Stop your foolishness
This giant prose poem sounds like a fantasy concocted to dunk on white men. I’m sure shit like this happens (to include the green card farming) but it’s the plausibility that is being marketed.
It's too perfect. He matches every single stereotype of the creepy incel. Nothing is out of place. I'll admit I'm predisposed to be skeptical of anonymous biographical anecdotes, but I honestly don't see how anyone could read this and not have alarm bells go off. If it's real, life in Korea must be darker than I thought. It's hard to imagine anyone from a developed country would put up with this for a year plus in order to move to the States.
Sounds like this fellow was an ends-of-the-earth attention-getter. That, by the way, would include the green card marriage, which could also garner attention, including attention from the federal authorities.
While the green card husband's descent into ever more stunning forms of sexual specialties -- some strictly verboten, and rightly so -- it is difficult for me in this case, as in so many others, to understand how blindly people enter into marriage. Even marriage in service of citizenship should have some limits.
It does appear that as the issuance of the green card grew ever more near, the disclosures of behaviors escalated. Almost as if green card husband wanted to see if he could drive his spouse away before the card issued, forcing her to begin the citizenship process again, as punishment. One never knows.
Both of these people were treating each other as objects, as means rather then ends. I despair that people feel the need to pick a side.
One of these people didn't treat the other as a means and even imagined a long life with him, until he become intolerable.
My mother was a therapist specializing in anxiety and depression, and one her gems was “Most people are not burdened with insight.”
Interesting read. That’s what a snake looking at a rabbit might feel like - if there is a feeling rather than a sequence of dissecting thoughts.
A psychopath “married” - that’s a misuse of a word right there - to a rather disturbed individual.
One can start believing that we are ruled by reptiloids after reading pieces like this. I’m still shuddering. Urgh.
I fail to see how she didn't see the problems in this relationship earlier. These sorts of behavioral tendencies do not come out of nowhere, and as such I would ask if maybe she went into this expecting some level of dysfunction, but planned to leave as soon as she had her green card secured. The whole thing sounds like an exercise to extract a green card from this man. I don't blame her for leaving, but I question how she got there in the first place if not for the green card. Most women can spot these types from miles away.
"I fail to see how she didn't see the problems in this relationship earlier. These sorts of behavioral tendencies do not come out of nowhere, "
Do you also fail to see how the woman "didn't see the problems" when the woman is beaten up, or abused, or murdered by their husband, or he starts serially cheating, and so on?
She says he wasn't like that before, they had friends and went out, and he obviously was in "charm her" mode before marriage. DUH!
This just sounds like story of a person abusing an autistic weeaboo for immigration purposes to me.
initially yeah, but the autistic weeb ended up being a really messed up autistic weeb. It's not good to take advantage of these people, but the truth is he was never getting married otherwise, even temporarily.
As I read the story I'm struck by how the letter writer focusses on her husband's behavior, but says little about her own intentions and motivations. Change yourself and accept others as they are. If you can't accept them, move on.
Here's a novel idea: we should only "accept others as they are" if how they are is not potentially criminal, abusive, antisocial, and harmful to themselves and others.
I asked her to provide some context. Admittedly, I was so struck by the writing style (in a good way) that I didn't think to ask her to provide more insight into her own emotions. Something about her natural style conveyed the paralysis and horror so strongly to me.
Yes, I see the fear. But we don't know whether she's afraid of losing her immigration status, abuse in a previous relationship, or childhood trauma, all of which have little to do with her husband.
She's struck -- to the point of being stunned, internally, not "freezing" in a trauma sense but more "I can't believe this could be possibly happening" by what's unfolding around her. See the references to the normality elsewhere. So I don't think she's scared of him per se, it's more that the life is kinda folding down on her as she experiences his showing his "true colours" (or maybe his unravelling?).
Thanks for posting this, I’ve had similar experiences dating in the geek scene. The anime community in particular has a problem of normalizing a lot of weird shit. Much of it is also just a symptom of being chronically online. It’s not healthy.
The reality is that masturbation and pornography use is even worse on a marriage than having an affair, and it unfortunately often comes part and parcel with being online.