I loved the way your writing pulled me in. I think I experience a little bit of transportation you did through your experience. In my experience and with my introduction to the internet in 2010s mostly felt like an interaction has always been more isolating, since most of the even in my Tumblr/wattpad days without AI, there's something eerily isolating when you are interacting with a human made story, plot or bubble. Since the scale of reaching a wider audience became a better form or coping mechanism and para social relationship, where you actually don't interact directly with the other person, makes it an inherently more dehumanizing experience. Kinda makes me think the way we are now, was almost the point of the social media turned internet (more like capitalism)
I missed this era of the internet (too old) and this is the first account that makes me understand how I, personally, would have likely been sucked in. Thank you for writing it!
I haven't quite finished your article (it's great so far) but I wanted to thank you for writing it because it sparked inspiration to write a poem! So, thank you for sharing 😊
What's funny is that I think it does take the internet and finally AI to get this out. The monks are explaining mystery after mystery after mystery and giving us The Theory of Everything while our scientists are giving us junk and claiming they cannot understand 95% of the universe. There's something truly profound about our times where the right ideas get no traction! I would love to borrow your audience and try to use them to save civilization except they are so specific that I don't know, after all that's my problem that I don't understand society well enough!
I feel like I was hoping for this story to end with you going out on a real-life date with the woman from Winnipeg. "Fuck it," you tell yourself. "No one ever made me feel the way they did."
I spent every available moment in early high school on RPG forums. At one point, my computer crashed, and it wiped my saved bookmarks. I could never get back to any of those niche places. The random tiny, stand-alone communities in which I had been a member. I tried and then mourned it for weeks. It still hurts to think about honestly.
reminds me of early 2010’s and MemeCenter, a meme page that i spent soooo much time on every day. there was a chat board and comment interface feature on several posts where a community of online users socialized. i became really invested in discerning the who’s who and integrating into the community as a recognized chatter, which in hindsight (and maybe i realized even then) fueled my desire for others approval at the cost of desiring something more life-affirming and, well, interesting? i don’t know. anyways, i’ll never forget the emptiness of how that all ended, how disorienting and somewhat isolating it was to have experienced such a significant social experience and not have anyone to talk about it with or to share that obsession
and to your point, damn, the nostalgia for those days too. when you really could just talk to strangers who had no profit incentive or ultimate purpose other than whatever circumstance (usually googling memes) brought them there… the validation of a witty exchange that garnered tens or hundreds of likes, unparalleled dopaminergic release for my 13-14 years old brain haha
Celeste I also popped in to ask if this is going to be a book...! Of *course* it's going to be a book! There's too much dark and vivid stuff here for it not to be... I've heard several of the podcast episodes where you unpack all of this from different angles, and I think that on top of the deeply-felt and fascinating memoir of your experience, there's also a thrilling detective story as you finally unravel the who and the what of the Vampire Clan, AND a lens (or Black Mirror, rather!) through which we get a genuine insight on a fundamental but not widely understood aspect of the early internet (the anonymous RP that it enabled), and the very texture, the sensory and spiritual experience of *what it meant to be online* in those early days. An anthropological document! So yeah: you've got the personal, the plot-driven, and the political... Seems like an absolute winner. I know you'll keep us posted!
This made me cry : ( in a good way (a good way? ha) - great writing Celeste. What you went through obviously caused you pain.. but at the same time - as you navigated in the text - I mourn for what we've lost from that early period of the internet - the possibilities..
Thanks for your kind words :) writing about weird shit often feels like howling into a pitiless void, so it’s really nice to hear that it connected with someone on a deeper level <3
I can’t even say that I shared your experiences really - I was scared of the internet I think, it hurt my soul when friends (cousins, actually) tried to show me gore/live leak type stuff. I spent a lot of time on ukchat(.com) pretending to be other people.. that was my thing. But the duality in your piece of being able to understand how that culture damaged you, while mourning what we’ve lost from that early period, I think was really well done.
Excellent article; my gateway to the early internet was IRC in 1995-6,(when I would’ve been 13-14 years old) but I too eventually wandered down some equally dark paths as you describe here…the thing I’ve vaguely obsessed about for close to 30 years now is why I ran into so many people from Malaysia in those years … I always remember boomers who were there for the 60s always saying “you just had to be there”. I think for people our age, our blessing/curse was being there for the early internet where now we’re the ones who can only tell the younger generations “you just had to be there”.
I loved the way your writing pulled me in. I think I experience a little bit of transportation you did through your experience. In my experience and with my introduction to the internet in 2010s mostly felt like an interaction has always been more isolating, since most of the even in my Tumblr/wattpad days without AI, there's something eerily isolating when you are interacting with a human made story, plot or bubble. Since the scale of reaching a wider audience became a better form or coping mechanism and para social relationship, where you actually don't interact directly with the other person, makes it an inherently more dehumanizing experience. Kinda makes me think the way we are now, was almost the point of the social media turned internet (more like capitalism)
I missed this era of the internet (too old) and this is the first account that makes me understand how I, personally, would have likely been sucked in. Thank you for writing it!
Thank you so so much for reading it. It’s truly humbling to hear such lovely feedback <3
I haven't quite finished your article (it's great so far) but I wanted to thank you for writing it because it sparked inspiration to write a poem! So, thank you for sharing 😊
What's funny is that I think it does take the internet and finally AI to get this out. The monks are explaining mystery after mystery after mystery and giving us The Theory of Everything while our scientists are giving us junk and claiming they cannot understand 95% of the universe. There's something truly profound about our times where the right ideas get no traction! I would love to borrow your audience and try to use them to save civilization except they are so specific that I don't know, after all that's my problem that I don't understand society well enough!
I feel like I was hoping for this story to end with you going out on a real-life date with the woman from Winnipeg. "Fuck it," you tell yourself. "No one ever made me feel the way they did."
Sadly (?) the Winnipeg lady wants nothing to do with me 🥲🤣
I do have another story from another couple that has an element of that
I enjoyed reading this article for many reasons. However, a question lingers in my mind: why is the internet 𝒔𝒐 𝒈𝒂𝒚?
This was beautifully written, haunting, and deeply reflective like nostalgia and warning wrapped in the same breath^^
I spent every available moment in early high school on RPG forums. At one point, my computer crashed, and it wiped my saved bookmarks. I could never get back to any of those niche places. The random tiny, stand-alone communities in which I had been a member. I tried and then mourned it for weeks. It still hurts to think about honestly.
Maybe it was the hand of the universe saving you while it could
reminds me of early 2010’s and MemeCenter, a meme page that i spent soooo much time on every day. there was a chat board and comment interface feature on several posts where a community of online users socialized. i became really invested in discerning the who’s who and integrating into the community as a recognized chatter, which in hindsight (and maybe i realized even then) fueled my desire for others approval at the cost of desiring something more life-affirming and, well, interesting? i don’t know. anyways, i’ll never forget the emptiness of how that all ended, how disorienting and somewhat isolating it was to have experienced such a significant social experience and not have anyone to talk about it with or to share that obsession
and to your point, damn, the nostalgia for those days too. when you really could just talk to strangers who had no profit incentive or ultimate purpose other than whatever circumstance (usually googling memes) brought them there… the validation of a witty exchange that garnered tens or hundreds of likes, unparalleled dopaminergic release for my 13-14 years old brain haha
Celeste I also popped in to ask if this is going to be a book...! Of *course* it's going to be a book! There's too much dark and vivid stuff here for it not to be... I've heard several of the podcast episodes where you unpack all of this from different angles, and I think that on top of the deeply-felt and fascinating memoir of your experience, there's also a thrilling detective story as you finally unravel the who and the what of the Vampire Clan, AND a lens (or Black Mirror, rather!) through which we get a genuine insight on a fundamental but not widely understood aspect of the early internet (the anonymous RP that it enabled), and the very texture, the sensory and spiritual experience of *what it meant to be online* in those early days. An anthropological document! So yeah: you've got the personal, the plot-driven, and the political... Seems like an absolute winner. I know you'll keep us posted!
What is the podcast?
There are a few! Most recently I was on the Chamelon podcast, but I've also been on Was I in a Cult?, and The Horrorble Podcast (on youTube)
The one (two!) you did with Mana Aelin were also particularly good...
thanks!!
This made me cry : ( in a good way (a good way? ha) - great writing Celeste. What you went through obviously caused you pain.. but at the same time - as you navigated in the text - I mourn for what we've lost from that early period of the internet - the possibilities..
Thanks for your kind words :) writing about weird shit often feels like howling into a pitiless void, so it’s really nice to hear that it connected with someone on a deeper level <3
I can’t even say that I shared your experiences really - I was scared of the internet I think, it hurt my soul when friends (cousins, actually) tried to show me gore/live leak type stuff. I spent a lot of time on ukchat(.com) pretending to be other people.. that was my thing. But the duality in your piece of being able to understand how that culture damaged you, while mourning what we’ve lost from that early period, I think was really well done.
this needs to be a book. are you writing it?
I am ;) - stay tuned
Excellent article; my gateway to the early internet was IRC in 1995-6,(when I would’ve been 13-14 years old) but I too eventually wandered down some equally dark paths as you describe here…the thing I’ve vaguely obsessed about for close to 30 years now is why I ran into so many people from Malaysia in those years … I always remember boomers who were there for the 60s always saying “you just had to be there”. I think for people our age, our blessing/curse was being there for the early internet where now we’re the ones who can only tell the younger generations “you just had to be there”.
PS Hope you’re feeling better