I had forgotten how good this was. Noticed that I now have many fewer instances of reflexive disagreement than the first time I read it. While I have no more experience with relationships than I did then, I have a lot more experience with not being in a relationship. That experience does seem to make a difference.
I have come to accept that I don't have ultimate control over finding someone who is interesting, available, and interested. That mutual coincidence of wants is more likely to occur with more effort on my part, but it is entirely possible, if not probable, that such a meeting will not happen no matter the magnitude of my efforts. So be it.
And I certainly do remember the advice column days!
I’d think that if a man were to take “wait five dates for sex” and “avoid having sex with too many people such that you get ‘spiritually ran-through’” as applying to them as well, that that WOULD come out contrary to your
Does “shit-talking exes is a red flag” (#5) contradict “if he did it to someone else, he’ll do it to you,” (#12) if one gender-swaps? The first, if one substitutes “criticizes” for “shit-talks”, seems to discount his judgement. The second seems to trust his exes’ judgements of him.
Do you see no conflict between #32 and #39? Encouraging BOTH partners to become “the less invested one” can become a race to be the more avoidant one to try to get the OTHER one to “chase”.
25 isn't specifically gendered, but I rly think a lot of men need to internalize it too. Apps force you into a scarcity mindset and tons of men will try to have sex as fast as possible without even asking "Do I like her?" because they think another opportunity will never come again
I dont mean this as an attack, but on #67, you're talking about people who portray themselves as misfits, make it their persona and constantly play the victim card, right? Cause if you mean it broadly, then that comes off as a very out of touch thing to say.
Such a timely article as I’ve just signed my divorce papers this month. Really not looking forward to dating again. Not sure if I even want to.
Re: #25… I’ve never had to wait that long in my adult life. But maybe I’ve been dating the wrong women? I kind of think if she made me wait that long I would assume she isn’t in to me. Not saying that it’s bad to wait, it’s just that’s what my dating history has made me feel.
Yeah, most advice lists to men AND women say “if there isn’t physical chemistry and [usually] sex by the third date, you aren’t compatible enough to date”
Thank you. Well, I can’t help but thinking the fundamentalist Mormons are right, that a man must marry three wives to attain the highest degree of glory and become a god.
I had forgotten how good this was. Noticed that I now have many fewer instances of reflexive disagreement than the first time I read it. While I have no more experience with relationships than I did then, I have a lot more experience with not being in a relationship. That experience does seem to make a difference.
I have come to accept that I don't have ultimate control over finding someone who is interesting, available, and interested. That mutual coincidence of wants is more likely to occur with more effort on my part, but it is entirely possible, if not probable, that such a meeting will not happen no matter the magnitude of my efforts. So be it.
And I certainly do remember the advice column days!
Why patience and former addicts?
I’d think that if a man were to take “wait five dates for sex” and “avoid having sex with too many people such that you get ‘spiritually ran-through’” as applying to them as well, that that WOULD come out contrary to your
#1 “maybe means no” and
“Men do not play hard-to-get”.
(Yes, I KNOW you were probably thinking of creating/defining a relationship in the second, but women *can* want to move faster, physically)
Does “shit-talking exes is a red flag” (#5) contradict “if he did it to someone else, he’ll do it to you,” (#12) if one gender-swaps? The first, if one substitutes “criticizes” for “shit-talks”, seems to discount his judgement. The second seems to trust his exes’ judgements of him.
Do you see no conflict between #32 and #39? Encouraging BOTH partners to become “the less invested one” can become a race to be the more avoidant one to try to get the OTHER one to “chase”.
25 isn't specifically gendered, but I rly think a lot of men need to internalize it too. Apps force you into a scarcity mindset and tons of men will try to have sex as fast as possible without even asking "Do I like her?" because they think another opportunity will never come again
I wrote an article about that this year. Men also need to be discerning with sex!
This is all great advice and true things I wish I'd known in my early twenties. If I'd had the ability to take it in, that is.
OMG #58! Goes with "if he wanted to he would". Great list
1) Excellent list. Lot's I agree with, and the things I don't agree with are still thought-provoking.
2) Help me understand #32: "It’s always better to be the less invested partner, even if it isn’t the more fun option."
I think you’re at higher risk if you’re the partner that’s head over heels in love
Ok I was confused as to whether you were saying "don't be over-the-top invested" vs "it's best to hold back a bit" vs something else.
this list is kinda old and may be due a video
I dont mean this as an attack, but on #67, you're talking about people who portray themselves as misfits, make it their persona and constantly play the victim card, right? Cause if you mean it broadly, then that comes off as a very out of touch thing to say.
I do
I mean, what you described - the identity of Misfit(tm) not someone who is legitimately marginalized
Ah I see, in that case I fully agree.
One thing this list suffers from also is assuming the reader is straight and only pursues one type of relationship
What about neurodivergence, assuming best efforts to “fit in”?
I think I myself count as neurodivergent tbh
Such a timely article as I’ve just signed my divorce papers this month. Really not looking forward to dating again. Not sure if I even want to.
Re: #25… I’ve never had to wait that long in my adult life. But maybe I’ve been dating the wrong women? I kind of think if she made me wait that long I would assume she isn’t in to me. Not saying that it’s bad to wait, it’s just that’s what my dating history has made me feel.
#53 is probably good advice.
Yeah, most advice lists to men AND women say “if there isn’t physical chemistry and [usually] sex by the third date, you aren’t compatible enough to date”
I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?
Oh it’s been going on for a while. It was mostly my fault. On the plus side I didn’t have to go through American family court.
Hope you’re well
Thank you. Well, I can’t help but thinking the fundamentalist Mormons are right, that a man must marry three wives to attain the highest degree of glory and become a god.
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