The Usenet Oracle
from the archives, the late 80s
The following document isn’t mine. It’s the help file for the Usenet Oracle (also called the Internet Oracle later on), a collaborative humor project that ran via email starting in the late 1980s. The premise was simple. You emailed a question to oracle@cs.indiana.edu, and your question was routed to a random stranger, who answered it “as the Oracle.”
In exchange, you’d receive someone else’s question to answer. The best exchanges — called “Oracularities” — were curated by a volunteer priesthood and posted to the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle, where they were read by tens of thousands of people.
This was an anonymous, decentralized creative writing project, founded in the late ‘80s, years before the web as we know it existed. All of this ran on university servers, and was maintained by volunteers for fun.
Maybe we do something similar here…
You can read the original here and digests here. I’m reposting it as preservation.
History
Throughout the history of mankind, there have been many Oracles who have been consulted by many mortals, and some immortals. The great Hercules was told by the Delphic Oracle to serve Eurystheus, king of Mycenae, for twelve years to atone for the murder of his own children. It was the Oracle of Ammon who told King Cepheus to chain his daughter Andromeda to the rocks of Joppa to appease the terrible sea monster that was ravaging the coasts. That solution was never tested, though, as Perseus saved the girl in the nick of time.
What is the Usenet Oracle?
The Usenet Oracle is a fun way to write humorously and creatively. It is a mail program, which you can send questions, and will be answered by the Oracle (i.e. other people sending in questions).
The “Subject:” of your message must be something like “Oracle Most Wise, please tell me ...”. Actually, all it has to have is “tell me” or “tellme” somewhere in it. Capitalization doesn’t matter. The body of the mail should contain only your question. You should receive a reply within a few days at most, probably much sooner.
In the meantime, the Oracle may require that you answer a question for it as payment for its services. You will receive this question in the mail. You should respond with as most wise and witty an answer as you can. Mail the response to oracle@cs.indiana.edu, preserving the message’s “Subject:” line. Usually, this can be done by simply replying to the mail through the normal means in your mail program, for example, using the “r” command in the standard Berkeley mail program. Actually, the subject just has to contain the word “answer” and the question number somewhere in it. The body of your mail response should contain only your answer — you don’t have to include the question itself. Please try to respond within at most a day’s time. If you take longer, there is a chance that the question will be answered by someone else first.
Mailing the Oracle with the word “help” in the “Subject:” line will get you the most recent version of this help file mailed back. If you mail the Oracle with “ask me” or “askme” somewhere in the subject, the Oracle will send you a question to answer, if there are any available.
Etiquette
The Usenet Oracle is intended primarily as a cooperative effort for creative humor. Since its main purpose is just to let folks have fun, there are intentionally few rules. However, an etiquette has developed among its participants.
A series of identical questions submitted is not appreciated since the same person often ends up answering many of them. It is okay to resubmit a question after you have received a reply, especially if you believe that the answerer did not do it justice.
If you find yourself unable to give due consideration to a question you are to answer, it may be better to not answer the question at all than to give it a trivial answer and disappoint the questioner. However, doing this too much can cause a buildup of unanswered questions and slow down the Oracle’s response time for everyone.
It’s probably worthwhile to read some issues of the Usenet Oracularities (see below) to get an idea of the conventions and style of writing in Oracle questions and answers. Here are some general guidelines for those upon whom the Muse of the Oracle has descended and who are to write an answer as an incarnation of the Oracle:
Creativity and humor are valued. Many people find the anonymity of the Oracle a license to express themselves creatively and uniquely — often to surprising success.
Participants in the Oracle like to feel they’ve gotten out of it as much as they’ve put in. Please keep this in mind when answering questions.
Remember that brevity and clarity are key points of good writing. Overly long answers will reduce an Oracularity’s chance of being published in the Usenet Oracularities (see below) since it must really be worth the extra length to have it selected to be read by tens of thousands of people.
In general, avoid obscenity, slang, jargon, and obscure references. People of all different backgrounds located all over the world use the Oracle.
Try to be sensitive to new participants or to people who seem to have asked serious questions.
Don’t flame the questioner for not asking a “good question.” An off-the-wall or vague question calls for creativity, not rudeness, in the answer — consider it a challenge.
Anonymity
The Oracle is a confidential and anonymous service. The anonymity of the participants is preserved within all Oracle mailings and Oracularities postings. However, if you append a signature file to your mail, this will appear in your question or answer. Signature files are edited out from Oracularities postings. If you do not wish to remain anonymous, you may include a phrase in your answer like “incarnated as <insert your name and/or address here>”
The Usenet Oracularities
The Oracle’s priesthood receives a duplicate copy of all answered questions, or Oracularities as they’re called. This is so that the best ones can be selected and posted to rec.humor.oracle and a mail distribution list as the Usenet Oracularities — the chronicle of the mythos of the Usenet Oracle. Your use of this program implies your approval of this usage.
Rec.humor.oracle is a moderated newsgroup. If your news system is properly configured, any postings you make to rec.humor.oracle will be forwarded directly to the Oracle and so you can ask questions of the Oracle by posting to the newsgroup. Rec.humor.oracle.d is unmoderated and anyone may post to it. It is a public forum for discussion and questions about the Oracle. If your system doesn’t carry these newsgroups, encourage your news administrator to do so!
Readers of the Oracularities may mail in ratings of each published Oracularity, the results of which are returned to the authors of the Oracularities and published in a later posting. They are also used to select occasional “best of the best” postings to rec.humor.oracle. Instructions on how to mail in your ratings are given at the top of each issue.
If you don’t have access to rec.humor.oracle and would like to receive the Oracularities via mail, send mail to oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu.
Back postings and ratings are available via anonymous ftp on cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.191) in the directory pub/oracle, or via mail — send the word “help” in the body of a mail to mailserv@cs.indiana.edu for more details.
(This information was copied from an information file by Steve Kinzler.)
Send your Oracularities subscription requests to oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. Include the word “subscribe” (or “unsubscribe”) in the “Subject:” line.
1-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> One of the many branches of computer science uses oracles to solve
> many of its problems. Perhaps the great usenet oracle can tell us,
> is P=NP?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, this is one of those P and NP and completeness problems ...
} to wit, you have asked if
}
} P = NP (1)
}
} If you take into account the widespread use of equation numbers
} such as the one appearing here, then I can say unequivocally
} that the equation number is correct and proper. Unfortunately,
} though, this implies that the equation P = NP is equivalent
} to equation number (1) in any other tome of knowledge you could find!
} Therefore, the answer is beyond comprehension, and best left
} to the contemplation of the oracle. I have spoken.
1-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Great and mighty oracle, whose excrement I am unfit to lick ...
>
> Tell me how to attain knowledge and wisdom as great as thine own!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I have pondered the question you haved asked, the way you asked it,
} and what you are really asking. Your question does have an answer,
} but I don’t think I should answer it. The toils on the path of
} becoming an oracle are long and tedious and someone who uses the
} English language as you do does not have the determination, or the
} character to devote himself to pure, unbiased truth.
}
} As an oracle, my food (input) is words, my excrement is truth.
} You wording tells me you could never attain the level you seek.
} Cleanse your heart and mind and you may get a sense of TRUTH.
}
} So says the oracle.
1-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> When I open up the refrigerator, where does all the dark go?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Silly mortal, have you never heard of a light bulb? Obviouslly not.
} A light bulb is a small device ussually in the back of the
} refrigertator, that when not lit, is a very low-pressure vacumn. When
} you open your fridge, a small switch opens an itty-bitty hole at the
} base of the bulb. This vacumn then pulls all the dark in, exposing the
} natural state of order, light.
}
} This is alos why parents tell you to make sure that you close the
} fridge “ALL the way”, if you didn’t some of the dark would escape and
} the inside would always be lit.
}
} Occasionaly, you may find your fridge does not keep food cold, nor
} does it suck up all the dark, when this happens you need to recharge the
} freon (freon is latin for vacumn).
}
} If you have any more questions, simply call the GE help line (24 hours
} a day, 365.25 days a year)
1-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> I’ve found a huge gapping hole in the MAKEKEY program. it seems that
> there really is a way to make an unMAKEKEY. and I have in fact made
> one. Now, what should I do? My girlfriend says that I should use it to
> break into government computers, because it gets her hot. My wife says
> that I should forget how to do it, and must pretend it never happened.
> My brother-in-law second time removed says that we should sell it to the
> ruskies. My dog just looks at me strange And worst of all the other 4th
> graders in my class don’t believe me.
>
> HELP!!!!!! I don’t know what to do.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, Mr. Weshley Crusher, first you should go to Capt.
} Puckard and tell him that you have done a very bad thing. 4th graders
} are not allowed to be married in most cultures. The CERT division of
} the CIA has been alerted to your breaking of UNIX security, and their
} death squad should be there in a few minutes.
}
} As punishment for desturbing the oracle, you must post the
} source code to comp.unix-wizards before the death team arrives. This
} would settle a great debate that has bothered the oracle for many years.
1-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Why must a fool and his money be soon parted?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} O foolish, foolish mortal. This is so simple I almost decided to give
} this question to a disciple. If a fool and his money wasn’t parted,
} just think of what the fool would spend his money on? A decade’s supply
} of spam? The complete Barry Manilow collection? A house straddling
} Love Canal? No, these don’t compare to what a fool’s money would be
} used for: a better network that
} wouldn’t garble !%&%#&gdso 02 27ry206320e734rrfts Ad#!($&
} 32 dasd %%%
} 31038 *#############109328741]
1-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> why did the paper on my printer just get stuck?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Because you dropped cookie crumbs into the print head. Listen!
} Printers do not eat cookies! Hard disks eat cookies. Printers eat ice
} cream--spoon it right in and soon your paper will be humming along like
} a car with sugar in the gas tank. (The CPU chips of IBM PCs like to
} have pineapple-and-ham pizza smeared all over them, but we all know that
} IBM is weird anyway.)
1-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Why is a computer?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} MU.
}
} If the Oracle were physically present, it would now strike you a
} sharp blow with a stick and you would reach enlightenment. Since it is
} not, you must go find a long wooden stick and rap yourself many times on
} the head until you become enlightened. Fail in this, and you will
} become known as an untrue student of Zen. (Hang your head in shame.)
1-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Oh Great Oracle:
> Can a man acheive true happiness by fasting, praying,
> and assembly language programming?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes, it is possible! But that is perhaps the most arduous path
} possible! Praying will certainly help. But fasting will be difficult,
} at best. You might consider a diet of just root beer, watered down, if
} you wish.
}
} Yet, the aspect of that path that is most horrible--most difficult to
} overcome will be assembly language programming. Communicating with the
} system on its own terms ... you must not only conquer the system,
} conquer YOURSELF. For, after only two years of assembly language,
} several of my high priests could no longer speak normally. They just
} wandered around saying `dbra d1, label’ and `movqw a3@(#0xa, d1:w), d2.’
} Avoid this fate ... and you will find happiness.
}
} You owe the oracle a box of Wheat Thins.
1-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> WHY????:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, why not? It’s not like the general existence of the universe is
} specifically intended to waste *your* time. C’mon, Grumble Puppy,
} lighten up! Get a hobby! Find a member of the appropriate gender and
} party your butt off! Don’t assume that these silly rhetorical questions
} *have* good answers; there’s no real answer to “WHY?” save 1) “Why not?”
} and 2) “Because.”
}
} so there.
1-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> How many angels can dance on the head of a beer?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The answer to this question can be determined by a rather complex
} equation. The Oracle, however, cannot go into detail because of
} its complex nature. What can be said is that there are two
} main factors involved in the equation:
}
} 1) The amount of beer drunk by the person viewing the angels dancing.
} 2) The amount of Pat Boone albums playing in the background.
}
} The amount of beer drunk by the angels is also a variable in the
} equation, but it drops out as the amount of beer drunk approaches
} infinity.