What I've learned doing the advice column, befriending sex addicts, and falling in love a thousand times a day. This is an evolving list.
My favourite piece of dating advice I've ever read is from The Last Psychiatrist:
"... 'How can you incorrectly think you've fallen out of love?' How many times have you incorrectly thought you were in love?"
I knew I had some red flags but it still hurts to read 😭
Became paid subscriber for this comment. Wanted to push back on all the "context matters" objections. A list like this is useful because it's drawn from an especially dense library of personal experience, and because to some extent these points have proven to be durable over time. Context always matters, but often its better to live by a rule or principle than to defer to case by case judgements, in my opinion.
A big problem with romance is that, like alcohol, it intoxicates you while demanding that you constantly exercise good judgement. Personally, I spend a lot of time meditating on relationship questions in between relationships, because I know when I'm in it I can no longer be objective in any real sense, so I feel that that in between time is what really determines the character and shape of those relationships.
This list has tons of great food for thought; i agree with 80% of it and personally subscribe to at least half. Thanks @Friend!
I don't know, this seems... misguided. Like compiling a 70 item list on how to swordfight or dance, it's just not a subject amenable to such treatment. Sure love can be risky and even dangerous (see domestic violence), but fundamentally, it is something where you just have to flow and roll with the punches. In that sense, the movie Before Sunrise is some of the best dating advice you can get.
Excellent list. Any of the items I'm not so sure about still feel like points that compel a very well considered reason for disagreeing with them.
As someone without a lot of dating/relationship advice, a lot of this felt like it makes sense. Thanks for writing it!
I say this with all the respect in the world Katherine because you are a great writer but this was my least favorite piece from you.
Good list. How many friends should someone have, so that, you know, it's not a red flag? I assume you mean men? Good advice if you're young, but most older men have maybe one friend, many none. We're not all serial killers, but it's quite hard to meet new friends, especially when you don't live in a major metropolitan area.
That is stellar insight..there was not one single point that I disagreed with, and many that I would never have thought of
VERY impressive and insightful list. But I am old fashioned enough to insist that if he doesn’t at least know, let alone sing or dance to.: Cole Porter / Frederick Loewe, Alan Jay Lerner / Charles Strouse,
/ Richard Rodgers, Oscar Hammerstein / Stephen Schwartz/ Bob Fosse/Stephen Sondheim/Sammy Cahn, he’s a total loser.
I'm gonna cross post this, Katherine! It's brilliant!